Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Come on in and take your pants off
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