he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
