my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
