I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
