You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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