new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
