I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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