Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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