I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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