Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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