Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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