My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
