dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
