They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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