you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
