You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
