I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
