what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
