Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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