Can i not drive my cunt home
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize