Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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