I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
