i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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