EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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