Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
this will be a night to untag.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
