How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
