take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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