I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Four minutes until I can fart!
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
