i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
