this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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