Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
