the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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