...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
