mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
