Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
