Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
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