I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
