i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
