My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
