Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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