I wanna passion pit in your ass
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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