the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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