i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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