you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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