I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Never joke about your clitoris.
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