You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
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Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
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If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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