my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
