you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
