it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
