My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
