last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
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