He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
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he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
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Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
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