some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
