I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
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And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
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Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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